Playwrights-The Study

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014

PLAYWRIGHTS-THE STUDY

When you think of a playwright, I always go directly to my mentor Neil Simon.

I admire how casually he developed such awesome fields of thought.

His construction is flawless, and just like myself, we plot stories on what pleased ourselves, on what appeals to us. If the public happens to enjoy the script too, all the better!

I'm a big believer in writing for yourself, not the audience. If it's good, you will develop a fan base, sooner or later. And one would think, "Hey, what about Ray Bradbury and Rod Serling, like they just popped in and started taking names...hardly! 

Ray managed over 30 stories before anyone even took notice, and Rod was at 50 writings before he sold anything worth mentioning. How about this, Steven King...some 26 tries before he got Carrie sold, and the Queen Bee herself J.K. Rowling labored through 30 attempts before Schoolastic took a chance on her odd little epic, better known as Harry Potter!

But, the one that stands out is Tennessee Williams who was in a constant stage of ridicule from his Father and just about every critic out there. Despite the fact that his health was not great, it wasn't until he changed his name and renamed a play he wrote that had just been rejected.
The "Glass Menagerie", now a classic and went on to be followed by "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", and I'm sure you know the rest!

Here's a couple of my other favorites (there are lots of us by the way), but George Walker born in 1947, was commissioned by the Factory Theater Lab in Toronto to resident and produce plays. He scripted The Prince of Naples (1971), Ambush at Teather's End (71), Sacktown Rag (72), Filthy Rich (73), and they all flopped! However, once he pulled away from that madness where he was expected to produce, rather than on his own good time, he had two good successes with "Ramona and the White Slaves" and "Theater of the Film Noir"!

Here's a mentor that I characterize as "Best In Show", and that is Thornton Wilder...his really big success was with "Our Town" (1938). The premise is when Emily ask the stage manager who was running heaven right after she passed away if he would allow her one more visit to her town, for one last visit with friends and family. In the end she cries farewell once she realizes that the simple things, like smelling flowers, hearing the ticking of a clock, and hot baths were the things she really cherished. And so in the end of the play, she ask the stage manager, if anybody appreciates life while they live it? He replies, "Well, except for Saints, poets, and writers, people generally exist blindly, insistent to the miracles of their own daily lives!"

So, let's end this with the original Neil Simon (if your comedic minded that is), to the first comical playwright that we have recorded as legitimate...that being none other than the 
Great Euripides (485-406 B.C.) Although comedians that worked the street circuit in Greece gawked at his efforts, he wrote Bakchoi (405 B.C.), loved doing awkward plays about Barbarian women struggling to keep up with the social elite of Athens, like Elektra (417 B.C.),  Alkestis (438 B.C.), The Trojan Women (415 B.C.), then there were the monster plays like the Cyclops (426), Andromach (426 B.C.), and of course everyone's favorite The Suppliants (took a while to put this together, try 420-418 B.C.). He entered a total of 20 plays to the Dioanysian Playwright Contest (hard to believe that was the first Sundance Film Fest?") and only won 5 allotments. Anything less than five and I believe you became Lion food. His absolute best play was "The Phonetician Women" (411 B.C.) The governors of Athens and the Athens Play Commission kept kicking him out of town...but he just kept coming back. He died doing what he loved, making fun of the better sex...just couldn't stop messing with the ladies. They found a quill in a Lion's stomach, rumor had it that it belonged to Euripides. Just kidding, he actually exiled to Macedonia, but you must admit he's one interesting dude, wonder if Marvel will try to do any remakes of his adventures?

A writer's style is personal, self-induced, and ego driven. If you doubt what someone might think of your work, if you care at all, don't...I mean don't become a writer!

As far as the ego part, it is what gives you the self-discipline to put a project together from scratch, or as I've said so many times, "Fill in the Blank Page!"

So, in closing...Rule number one-Don't care. Rule number two-Be passionate. Rule number three-Just enjoy yourself, the rest will all fall into place.

Remember the Golden Rule, self-discipline comes easily, if your doing what you Love.

Stay entertained, do what you Love, live the Good Life!
See you at the movies!

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

SnowyThe Christmas Mouse

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014

SNOWY THE CHRISTMAS MOUSE

Joe Weaver just turned 65 and had been planning his 25th wedding anniversary to his wife Jill. He had saved long and hard, putting a little something away for a special 25th edition diamond clustered silver ring just for his quarter century sweetheart. She had no clue as to what to expect, they had married on Christmas day...this would be extra special no matter what!

Snowy was a common white mouse, born in a mouse harvesting facility in Yonkers and was in the process of making the short commute by way of a large cardboard box filled with others like him to a Petco in Hoboken. The box was simply labeled "Live Mice", and his purpose in life was to become Snake food to some selfish Snake owners who enjoyed a mouse struggle in a contained environment...the Snake would always get his prey! Snowy had other ideas to why he existed, something spiritual...something planned?

So, just out of no where, Snowy got the idea to suck as much water as he could out of the community water tube which hung down for all the mice to share, and spit it toward a chosen corner. After several repetitions of this, he softened up the corner of the cardboard up so that he could easily chew out an escape hole. Didn't have to be much of a hole just to get the hell out of there!

Snowy was now free...only needed to find a little shelter, maybe a little something to eat. He soon found a nice little walk-up on 43rd and Elmhurst, second floor...just happened to be the Apartment 212, the home of Joe Weaver, his wife, and Katy... a Granddaughter acquired recently from Joe's Son's custody dispute!

Snowy had just found a vacant hole in the hallway between the two opposing bedrooms. Just as Snowy had made back from the kitchen with a cheekful of delectable crumbs, Katy spotted him and tried to make friends as he quickly dispersed behind the wall. But she knew, there was a new creature in the house...something cute, white, and with the most adorable pink nose! 

Joe Weaver had just returned from Zales, having satisfied his lay away contract concerning  the 25th anniversary wedding band, but tagging along, two trailer trash goobers who had followed him home from the jewelry store. They stopped and climbed the trash flue only a floor up and watched Joe carefully stash the ring into a black sock, placing the box in another location in case his wife came snooping around in the back of his top drawer. Snowy couldn't help himself, as he was trying to get acquainted with who was living in his new house, too?

When Joe left the room, Snowy saw the thief's rifle open the window and come in. With the blink of an eye they had managed to get into Joe's drawer, take the ring in the sock, along with coins and cherished keepsakes...and out the window they started. Snowy (for an unexplained reason, perhaps a calling from a higher power), felt a calling within him, and jumped into the thieve's backpack and rode along.

Snowy listened to the thief's, as they discussed their plans.
"Looks like we do the coins first...them be easy", said one.
The other thug just replied, "Probably be better if we do the ring right before Christmas...everybody desperate, easy to fence something like that!"
They both laughed and left the run down motel room to go get something to eat...
Snowy was frustrated with what they did, something had to be done 
He went into action!

Climbing out of the back pack, he went to work on the jeweled filled sock.As he pulled and yanked on the darned sock which contained the ring, he realized just how big and heavy the ring was. It was heavier than him, as he labored, tugging it along the floor, he knew he was going to need some help. Looking out the window, he spotted a little park just across the street, and off he went.

Problem was, being a little white mouse with a cute pink nose in a park in New York City...not good! He immediately drew attention from a resident Blackbird, who immediately landed in front of him, eyeing him closely, threatening to eat him as he snapped at the little mouse.

"Hey little guy, you look like a nice little snack for a big hungry bird like me...amuse me for a sec as to how a cute little mouse like you ended up in a big old park like this?", said the Blackbird.

Snowy did not show fear, but stood up on his back legs for the first time in his life and simply said, "I cannot be your meal, a special diamond ring has been taken...a special Christmas ring for a Loved one, you must help me save it and bring it back!"

The Blackbird studied his perspective morsel for a second, and suddenly he felt emotion, the sincerity of the little Mouse's plea, and thought to himself, "The kids for real, let me see what's going on...I can always just eat him later...he ain't gotta chance with a big boy like me!"

The Blackbird clicked back, "Okay kid, where's this ring your talking about, what's the deal for me?"

Snowy was suddenly relieved that the bird wasn't going to make a snack out of him, as he responded, "It's in the Esquire Motel, Room 127, it's hanging out of a sock in the middle of the floor, it's too big for me to carry...but we must hurry!"

The Blackbird eyed him again, and clicked, "Well, I don't work for free, what's in it for me?"

Snowy just said, What do you want?"

The Blackbird responded, "Some of them nice Walnuts would be delicious, but I can't get them out of the tree!"

Snowy thought for a second, and saw a Squirrel busily going up and down an old Walnut tree. Snowy ran over, "Hey, Mister Squirrel, would you be nice enough to help me get a stolen Anniversary ring back...Mister Blackbird won't help without some nuts?"

"Name's Sammy, Sammy the Squirrel...that's what my Bro's call me...what the hell you talking about needing nuts for a ring?"
Sammy was stunned, never having seen a white mouse with a pink nose before, he thought he was seeing a ghost. Sammy just said, "Ah, are you for real, did you just fall out of Mouse heaven or something...what's your trip?"

Snowy just looked dejected, "Fine, don't help...you see over there, that Blackbird over there...he won't work without some Walnuts...he can't get them himself because he's just a big ass'ed bird that can't get in the trees!"

All of a sudden the Blackbird (listening the whole time), took offence, "Who said I got a big ass?"

Snowy snapped, "Look...I'm trying to get you some nuts here, work with me here, try to play along?

The Blackbird retorted, "Should have eaten you earlier and be done with you...but no, me and this weird guilt trip thing, you better not be making this up kid!"

"And why didn't you...because you have feelings, you have purpose, read into your Heart, cause you have been placed here, you have been called upon to serve a vital role in this time of crisis...as a strong living thing as yourself, you shall respond to a higher power, and you must submit!" said Snowy.

Snowy looked around the park and noticed about 20 Squirrels, 15 other Blackbirds, Sparrows, Lizards, and some pigeons who mistook Snowy for a pastry roll, just staring in complete silence.

Even Snowy was confused, he couldn't figure out where those words came from?
However, he did feel this emotion, almost like he was empowered, but why?

The restless Blackbird flapped over to where Snowy was standing.
"Had enough squeak out of you kid...little punk butt mouse...dinner be served!", said the Blackbird, as he grabbed Snowy by his tail, spinning him around in the air, and releasing him as he smacked into a tree. Snowy laid perfectly still, quite dazed. The Blackbird walked over to where he lay, going in for the kill, when off in the distance you could hear Sammy The Squirrel, "Hey you bully, you Blackbird bully...got your nuts ready...would you like for me to crack them for you, too?"

Blackbird stopped, looked around, seeing all the other wildlife in the park staring him down.
"What" he appealed, "Just trying to get a snack going here!"

An elderly Blackbird only known as "Southern" appeared and said, "I'm your Father...you probably don't remember me, I get around a lot, but look...it's Christmas...help out the mouse, your nuts will be waiting for you when you get back, don't make the old man peck your butt raw in front of your Buds..."

You could hear total silence in the park, as every living thing was focused on the Blackbird.
A fellow Blackbird simply said, "Do like the good book, Honor Thy Father!"

Blackbird paused a second, as Snowy started to come to, pulling the mouse up by his tail, looking straight into his eyes he said, "Okay kid, what you need from me?"

Snowy explained and just like that the two were flying back to the run down motel, with Snowy hanging by the tail of the Blackbirds beak. Snowy giving instructions to where the window opening was, showing the Blackbird the clustered diamond ring laying in the middle of the floor. The Blackbird eyed the ring, "Nice rock kid...come on let's skedaddle!"

And with that the bird took to the air, ring in the beak with Snowy clinging to his back, giving instructions to the bird where 43rd street was, and soon they were back at Joe's place, with just enough crack in the window for the two to safely get in!

Unfortunately, Joe had come much earlier and found the ring missing. He knew this was a tough area and getting ripped off was nothing unusual. However, he went down to the pawn shop. and finding nothing suitable, he considered a simple "I.O.U. I Love You" note which he placed in the original jewelry box and he would take care of things later.

But, by the time Snowy and the Blackbird had arrived, they realized that the gift box had been moved, they didn't know what to do. Suddenly Katy the Granddaughter appeared, catching both of them off guard, "Don't worry you two, I saw where Grandpa put the box!" And with that she took the anniversary ring that Blackbird brought, pulled the gift box from the drawer and placed the ring into the holder, closed the box and put it back. "Thanks...you guys, Grandma will be so excited!"

So, when Christmas morning came, Joe had just assumed that what had happened, had happened, nothing he could do about. His wife Claire had gotten him a tie and a gold chain for his retirement watch.

Joe had managed a gold purse which contained a $100 gift card to Ruth's Steak House, and of course the jewelry box with the I.O.U. in the place holder. The anticipation heightened for Katy, as she was the only one who knew the magic of what had happened.

Claire pulled out the purse, looked at it, then in it, finding the gift card and the jewelry box.
Joe started talking, not looking at her, but instead just looking at the Christmas tree, telling her that he really did have good intent, but something happened and he would make it up to her soon. 

When his eyes came back to her, he was amazed by her glowing smile, the sparkle in her eyes as she looked back at him, "You intended well, very well...thank you so much Dear...it's simply beautiful!" And with that she turned the gift box around, and there was the 25th anniversary ring.

Joe teared up, as did Katy, and of course Snowy and Blackbird who were witnessing this through the window outside in the cold.

So, in the end, the two thugs were found frozen to death in the bottom of an abandoned elevator shaft, the Blackbird received a foot long candy cane of trail mix, and the blessed Snowy got his own warm aquarium, complete with a water pond and running wheel in Katy's room.

Just remember, that good intentions, never go unspoken.
But then, for anything to really exceed in life...face it...timing is priceless!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

Mike And The Golden Bell

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014

MIKE AND THE GOLDEN BELL

In the midst of the morning, he would begin to ring;

                               Customers coming to shops, trying to find the right thing!                            

It was Mike the bell ringer's job, to show that someone cared:

 For those who didn't have anything, it was something that everyone shared...

But, his numbers were dreadful on intake, other Ringer's passed him each day;

If he didn't produce, he'd get the caboose, his position would dry up like clay!

He even questioned the way he looked, his demeanor was up to par;

Always took a nice shower in the morning, tried to stay away from the bar..."

Then a kid walked up one day, how do you do this with just one bell?

Wasn't sure of the angle, he was trying to wrangle, or what he was trying to sell!

But, he thought about it for a moment, his Tympani was brash...unpure;

How could he get more coins in the kettle, how could he be for sure?

So, he went down to the 5 and dime, had a good look around;

Looking for something...anything...that would make a different sound!

And there upon a shelf...almost hidden, he saw this one lone Golden Bell;

They wanted two dollars and a quarter, they quickly made the sell!

The next day he brought it with him, encased in a darkened bag;

To keep the bell quiet as he traveled along, he stuffed the inside with a rag.

When they set up his post, just like with most, they gave him the customary bell;

It was small, made a tingle, when you gave it a jingle, it served it's constituents well!"

When his Golden Bell sang, with great harmonic clang, the shopper's were jumping with joy;

His donations grew thickly, as the crowds grew thickly, smiles from each girl and boy!

So, he kept the routine, until an official heard the Golden Bell sound;

Mike just shook his head, Christmas is not dead, just getting new folks to come around!

So, in the future, as Charities grow, different concepts with updated game;

You can thank Mike, for bell that you liked...

Nothing ever quite stays the same!

Merry Christmas

Little Angel Of Perfect Pitch

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014

LITTLE ANGEL OF PERFECT PITCH

Within the harmonic balance of the Church Of Perpetual Persistence, there was a calling of a little angel named Sarah to sing in the Christmas choir.

The emotions were still fresh within her, as her recent tragedy had sent her spirit to this place so unexpectedly!

Although warm and inviting, she still couldn't understand the series of events that lead her here...she questioned why God had called her up so early?

The only thing that made sense was a missing voice in the Soprano section, there was to be only one available voice that fitted the missing serenade...and it was her, although she admittedly lacked the key element...Perfect Pitch! 

The conductor of the choir, Sister Mary had yet to witness the yet to be tested Sarah for the part. Being summoned, Sarah stood forth on the podium with only a worn piece of sheet music wrapped in a classic silver frame.

She cleared her voice, then attempted the first stanza, "Oh, come all ye faithful, joyous..."

Sister Mary immediately swatted her baton, making a most deafening crack, "No, no, no Sarah...your voice is so pretty, but yet so off key, you need to find your Perfect Pitch...my girl, will you be so good to work on that?

Sarah teared up up for a second, knowing that Sister Mary was right, she demanded perfection, after all...what was the purpose of her being there if she couldn't perform?

So, she went to the required classes at Angel School. It was a mandatory that she learn to bond with living souls on the Earth below, to help in times of trouble, to guide them toward their purpose.

Sister Mary was disappointed and frustrated with the audition with the audition given by her her youngest study, with the hopes of bringing to God the perfect choir, the Angelic Sound!

She went before the Board of Parishioners to plead her case, "I see no point in keeping this child at this level of propriety", she implored, "We need to send her back to the lower regions where she can at least be of service to the common folk...she absolutely has no place here!"

The Parishioners talked among'st themselves, then spoke...

"Sister Mary, of who we bespeak, on the belief's of one's purposeful existence, we must ask you to refrain from chastising such a young soul who has just begun her journey toward the truth!"

Sister Mary pondered their statements, then contended that some time should be spent with the child...with the original chorus, the Chorus Of Nature! The parishioners agreed...

And so, began the relationship between Sarah and God's creatures.

At first, it was the "Coo" of a Dove, the ranging variables of the Whippoorwill, and the "Clicks and Haws" of the Grackle.

Sarah reached out and harmonized with each, taking time to gently stroke their feathers, finishing out the phrases as each creature would mysteriously appear and then vanish when the lesson had been learned. "Most assuredly", she thought, "They were busy and had other's to teach, to learn of their wisdom, and their Perfect Pitch to harmonic phrase!"

The day had come and no one seemed to know where Sarah was, but she soon appeared from under the over growth of the Willows hanging over the back of the Convent.
She walked up the back steps of the Cathedral wearing a perfect white dress with a flowering train of rose pedals.

Her smile beckoned others to smile back as she asserted her presence with a gentle wave to all that looked at her. Her wings, although small...glistened in the early morning sun which shown through the floras of etched glass.

Sister Mary was completely caught off guard, not really knowing what to think. She simply clapped as Sarah confidently took her seat in the Soprano section of the choir box. She was handed a framed copy of the first piece, embroidered in silver markings.

Sister Mary graciously bowed to the followers, the Parishioners, and then to the Cross.
Tapping the baton, off into the distance...one could hear the "Coo" of a lone Dove...it was for Sarah...middle "C", Perfect Pitch!

As the organ played out the first elements of the stanza, the choir came to life.

"Hark, The Herald Angels Sing, Glory To The New Born King"

Peace On Earth, And Mercy Mild, God And Sinner's Reconciled!"

And the harmony was perfect, with the Timpani in transgressing timelessly with each voice pure, yet only one could be heard, be distinguished above the rest! 

And then...Sarah stood up by herself singing, "Glo....oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ,oh oh, oh oh,oh, oh, oh , oh, Glory!"

Sister Mary had a lone tear to her eye, as she bared witness to the performance before her...and she was so proud...so very proud of what Sarah had become!

In Perfect Pitch, the choir joined in as you could clearly hear Sarah's voice above all others. Her output and clarity clearly focused, as her voice aggregated and permeated the congregation before her.

For she had trusted in herself, the wisdom of God's creatures, and the commitment to her purpose...her Love for Christ.

God smiled from above, he was pleased!

Merry Christmas

Kirk Carter

SoHo, New York

Rudolpho, The Jewish Reindeer

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014

Rudolpho, The Jewish Reindeer

It was getting close to the big day and Santa and the Elves were busy repackaging toys that were coming in daily from China.

Word got out that an over-confidant Rudolph had just come back from a 2 week binge over in Saint Martin, and was pretty strung out from all the K-2 and Ty-Stick he'd been smoking.

What normally should have been a bright luminant nose, now did't carry the brilliance of a night light! Not even enough power to cast his own shadow. Santa became concerned and decided to confront Rudolph about the situation.

"Come here Rudolph, Santa needs to speak to you a second."

"Sure Santa, what's popping...look, if this is about that kid I hit last year with that loose Deer turd, it was just an accident...won't happen again, too many Reese's Pieces and not enough Granola...learned my lesson there!"

Santa chuckled,  "Well, other than permanent blindness in one eye, and what was left of his damaged face, Santa was able to work out an equitable settlement of 20 shares of Berkshire-Hathaway to the family trust...they seemed pleased by the offer considering he was just a refugee from Detroit...things so bad up there, they're resorting to just giving their children away!

Rudolph replied, "Yea, that's tough Love man, so what's this about, I need to crash for a while...been on a 14 day bender down in Saint Martin?"

Santa said, "Yes...and you can tell, too...your nose seems to be missing it's usual brilliance..."

Rudolph snapped back, ""Oh, it will be back to normal in no time. A couple of Florine injections into the 'ol snazoola, a couple of B-12 shots into the bumpkin, couple of pops of Red Bull, and I will be as good as new!"

Santa, being an old skeptic, slammed down his last swig of Maker's Mark and blurted, "Are you absolutely sure about this Rudolph...because I'm depending on you to get me around the world in record time...dealing with a pesky jet stream, smog in Beijing, the radioactive dust cloud in Japan, and the municipality of Cleveland."

Rudolph retorted, "What is it about Cleveland?" 

Santa responded, ""Nothing really, but anything shiny and bright is an improvement, and let's face it...with the Brown's once again not doing much on the production side, they're grateful for anything at this point!"

A week had passed and it was the night of the big dance.

Rudolph showed up with red eyes, a staggered walk, and chipped horns (signs of a definite vitamin deficiency).

Santa immediately intervened as Rudolph was entering the fitting room, 

"Hey Rudolph, get your butt over here man...look, there will be no leading my Reindeer team this year, I've already found a replacement and he is going to lead tonight's run!"

Rudolph looked floored and thoroughly spent, "Your kidding right, your going to let a Jew lead your team...I already heard about him from the Elves...everybody just Loves Rudolpho...Deer Crap!"

Santa retorted, "Well, quite frankly, he is a strapping Lad, with good credentials and a great credit rating...even got me a 10% percent discount on my sleigh insurance!"

Rudolph flipped him an antler and stammered off feeling dejected and without purpose.

Then suddenly, like a curtain call in a Vaudeville act...there he was...Rudolpho, The Jewish Reindeer! With a perfect coat of fur, a golden mane with silver accents, a silver hoof ring, and and a full rack of antlers that looked like a Midora, complete with 9 FAA approved long throw spot lights which they say, when turned on, can actually be seen from the moon!

The Doe's gathered around him, bringing him hot chocolate, clamoring for an autographed      8 x 10 picture of himself which he personally hoofed, as the Elves layed them on the ground in front of him. Rudolpho indeed had his fan base completely at his beck and call.

The only friend Rudolph seemed to have was a lonely saddened Pink Elephant left over from the Island Of Misfits.
Rudolph sighed, "Look at him...so perfect, strong, and full of life, what am I?"

The Pink Elephant looked up solemnly and said, "Your my hero...for years you lead the team...we were all so proud of you...eh, so your having an off year...don't worry about it...         it happens!"

So, that evening, Santa had all the reindeer all hooked up with Rudolpho's 9 long throw spot lights switched on, nearly blinding the Elves as his head went back and forth.

Santa made the call to proceed, with a "Mush!"
Rudolpho turned his head, "Mush, that's the best you can do...no really Mush?"

Santa looked concerned that Rudolpho was questioning his authority, that all this fame and glitz had went to the proud Deer's brain...that he was better than them...but it was Christmas Eve and time was a wasting, so Santa just started throwing out random suggestions, like "Skadaddle", "Boogie", "Into The Air With You", and the Elves favorite, "If you don't get your butt moving, we will be enjoying some good Jewish venison!"

With that, Rodolpho finally took to the air, climbing almost vertical, higher, and even higher. Getting above 20 thousand feet, the Reindeer were gasping for air, Santa was trying to work the oxygen tank but it's valves had already frozen over.

Rudolpho, who had climbed Everest and K-2 several times had amazing lung capacity, didn't bother looking behind him even once to see how the rest were doing...not well!

With Santa passed out, and the Reindeer literally being dragged by their harnesses by this over-zealous, bigger than life, force of Christmas spirit...Rudolpho had managed to turn over the sleigh several times, even setting off early warning signals from missile defense systems below.

Turns out, most of the Christian toys ended up in Syria.
A hidden bag of Dredals that Rudolpho was going to drop in Tel Aviv ended up in North Korea, and Santa was found in a Coast Guard inner-tube on a rice paddy in Vietnam.

After the dust had settled, during a two week internal investigation by the board of International Christmas Affairs, it was found that Rudolpho tested positive for steroids, worked undercover for a Chinese toy manufacturer, and that his real was a she, Coren Lee, who was really a transsexual in post-op!

The next year Rudolph got his old job back, with back pay, and his own personal rutting tree. The paperwork finally cleared and Rudolph officially adopted the misfit Pink Elephant.

So, what have we just learned?

"No benders before Christmas, not even a little one."
"You Are What You Eat!"
And even if your having a bad night...don't ever mess with tradition!

Merry Christmas

Kirk Carter

SoHo, New York