Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2014
Rudolpho, The Jewish Reindeer
It was getting close to the big day and Santa and the Elves were busy repackaging toys that were coming in daily from China.
Word got out that an over-confidant Rudolph had just come back from a 2 week binge over in Saint Martin, and was pretty strung out from all the K-2 and Ty-Stick he'd been smoking.
What normally should have been a bright luminant nose, now did't carry the brilliance of a night light! Not even enough power to cast his own shadow. Santa became concerned and decided to confront Rudolph about the situation.
"Come here Rudolph, Santa needs to speak to you a second."
"Sure Santa, what's popping...look, if this is about that kid I hit last year with that loose Deer turd, it was just an accident...won't happen again, too many Reese's Pieces and not enough Granola...learned my lesson there!"
Santa chuckled, "Well, other than permanent blindness in one eye, and what was left of his damaged face, Santa was able to work out an equitable settlement of 20 shares of Berkshire-Hathaway to the family trust...they seemed pleased by the offer considering he was just a refugee from Detroit...things so bad up there, they're resorting to just giving their children away!
Rudolph replied, "Yea, that's tough Love man, so what's this about, I need to crash for a while...been on a 14 day bender down in Saint Martin?"
Santa said, "Yes...and you can tell, too...your nose seems to be missing it's usual brilliance..."
Rudolph snapped back, ""Oh, it will be back to normal in no time. A couple of Florine injections into the 'ol snazoola, a couple of B-12 shots into the bumpkin, couple of pops of Red Bull, and I will be as good as new!"
Santa, being an old skeptic, slammed down his last swig of Maker's Mark and blurted, "Are you absolutely sure about this Rudolph...because I'm depending on you to get me around the world in record time...dealing with a pesky jet stream, smog in Beijing, the radioactive dust cloud in Japan, and the municipality of Cleveland."
Rudolph retorted, "What is it about Cleveland?"
Santa responded, ""Nothing really, but anything shiny and bright is an improvement, and let's face it...with the Brown's once again not doing much on the production side, they're grateful for anything at this point!"
A week had passed and it was the night of the big dance.
Rudolph showed up with red eyes, a staggered walk, and chipped horns (signs of a definite vitamin deficiency).
Santa immediately intervened as Rudolph was entering the fitting room,
"Hey Rudolph, get your butt over here man...look, there will be no leading my Reindeer team this year, I've already found a replacement and he is going to lead tonight's run!"
Rudolph looked floored and thoroughly spent, "Your kidding right, your going to let a Jew lead your team...I already heard about him from the Elves...everybody just Loves Rudolpho...Deer Crap!"
Santa retorted, "Well, quite frankly, he is a strapping Lad, with good credentials and a great credit rating...even got me a 10% percent discount on my sleigh insurance!"
Rudolph flipped him an antler and stammered off feeling dejected and without purpose.
Then suddenly, like a curtain call in a Vaudeville act...there he was...Rudolpho, The Jewish Reindeer! With a perfect coat of fur, a golden mane with silver accents, a silver hoof ring, and and a full rack of antlers that looked like a Midora, complete with 9 FAA approved long throw spot lights which they say, when turned on, can actually be seen from the moon!
The Doe's gathered around him, bringing him hot chocolate, clamoring for an autographed 8 x 10 picture of himself which he personally hoofed, as the Elves layed them on the ground in front of him. Rudolpho indeed had his fan base completely at his beck and call.
The only friend Rudolph seemed to have was a lonely saddened Pink Elephant left over from the Island Of Misfits.
Rudolph sighed, "Look at him...so perfect, strong, and full of life, what am I?"
The Pink Elephant looked up solemnly and said, "Your my hero...for years you lead the team...we were all so proud of you...eh, so your having an off year...don't worry about it... it happens!"
So, that evening, Santa had all the reindeer all hooked up with Rudolpho's 9 long throw spot lights switched on, nearly blinding the Elves as his head went back and forth.
Santa made the call to proceed, with a "Mush!"
Rudolpho turned his head, "Mush, that's the best you can do...no really Mush?"
Santa looked concerned that Rudolpho was questioning his authority, that all this fame and glitz had went to the proud Deer's brain...that he was better than them...but it was Christmas Eve and time was a wasting, so Santa just started throwing out random suggestions, like "Skadaddle", "Boogie", "Into The Air With You", and the Elves favorite, "If you don't get your butt moving, we will be enjoying some good Jewish venison!"
With that, Rodolpho finally took to the air, climbing almost vertical, higher, and even higher. Getting above 20 thousand feet, the Reindeer were gasping for air, Santa was trying to work the oxygen tank but it's valves had already frozen over.
Rudolpho, who had climbed Everest and K-2 several times had amazing lung capacity, didn't bother looking behind him even once to see how the rest were doing...not well!
With Santa passed out, and the Reindeer literally being dragged by their harnesses by this over-zealous, bigger than life, force of Christmas spirit...Rudolpho had managed to turn over the sleigh several times, even setting off early warning signals from missile defense systems below.
Turns out, most of the Christian toys ended up in Syria.
A hidden bag of Dredals that Rudolpho was going to drop in Tel Aviv ended up in North Korea, and Santa was found in a Coast Guard inner-tube on a rice paddy in Vietnam.
After the dust had settled, during a two week internal investigation by the board of International Christmas Affairs, it was found that Rudolpho tested positive for steroids, worked undercover for a Chinese toy manufacturer, and that his real was a she, Coren Lee, who was really a transsexual in post-op!
The next year Rudolph got his old job back, with back pay, and his own personal rutting tree. The paperwork finally cleared and Rudolph officially adopted the misfit Pink Elephant.
So, what have we just learned?
"No benders before Christmas, not even a little one."
"You Are What You Eat!"
And even if your having a bad night...don't ever mess with tradition!
Merry Christmas
The Doe's gathered around him, bringing him hot chocolate, clamoring for an autographed 8 x 10 picture of himself which he personally hoofed, as the Elves layed them on the ground in front of him. Rudolpho indeed had his fan base completely at his beck and call.
The only friend Rudolph seemed to have was a lonely saddened Pink Elephant left over from the Island Of Misfits.
Rudolph sighed, "Look at him...so perfect, strong, and full of life, what am I?"
The Pink Elephant looked up solemnly and said, "Your my hero...for years you lead the team...we were all so proud of you...eh, so your having an off year...don't worry about it... it happens!"
So, that evening, Santa had all the reindeer all hooked up with Rudolpho's 9 long throw spot lights switched on, nearly blinding the Elves as his head went back and forth.
Santa made the call to proceed, with a "Mush!"
Rudolpho turned his head, "Mush, that's the best you can do...no really Mush?"
Santa looked concerned that Rudolpho was questioning his authority, that all this fame and glitz had went to the proud Deer's brain...that he was better than them...but it was Christmas Eve and time was a wasting, so Santa just started throwing out random suggestions, like "Skadaddle", "Boogie", "Into The Air With You", and the Elves favorite, "If you don't get your butt moving, we will be enjoying some good Jewish venison!"
With that, Rodolpho finally took to the air, climbing almost vertical, higher, and even higher. Getting above 20 thousand feet, the Reindeer were gasping for air, Santa was trying to work the oxygen tank but it's valves had already frozen over.
Rudolpho, who had climbed Everest and K-2 several times had amazing lung capacity, didn't bother looking behind him even once to see how the rest were doing...not well!
With Santa passed out, and the Reindeer literally being dragged by their harnesses by this over-zealous, bigger than life, force of Christmas spirit...Rudolpho had managed to turn over the sleigh several times, even setting off early warning signals from missile defense systems below.
Turns out, most of the Christian toys ended up in Syria.
A hidden bag of Dredals that Rudolpho was going to drop in Tel Aviv ended up in North Korea, and Santa was found in a Coast Guard inner-tube on a rice paddy in Vietnam.
After the dust had settled, during a two week internal investigation by the board of International Christmas Affairs, it was found that Rudolpho tested positive for steroids, worked undercover for a Chinese toy manufacturer, and that his real was a she, Coren Lee, who was really a transsexual in post-op!
The next year Rudolph got his old job back, with back pay, and his own personal rutting tree. The paperwork finally cleared and Rudolph officially adopted the misfit Pink Elephant.
So, what have we just learned?
"No benders before Christmas, not even a little one."
"You Are What You Eat!"
And even if your having a bad night...don't ever mess with tradition!
Merry Christmas
Kirk Carter
SoHo, New York
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