Claire The Christmas Camel

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2013

CLAIRE THE CHRISTMAS CAMEL

There was this camel named Claire, who was wandering around the desert, not knowing what to do, because her old man Larry just lost in a Camel race, was killed and quickly eaten by a gang of misguided Sheep herders.

These were men who had no Sheep, because they had killed and eaten them all, along with their cruel fetish of bestiality, meaning the Sheep were always limping, couldn't walk straight, constantly making right hand turns out into the desert, making the whole idea of Sheep herding an almost impossible burden for this group of losers!

Anyway, Claire was trying her best to avoid being the next meal by this group of men who were looking for her, wandering around themselves, hungry for Camel.

She had just visited Jane's Oasis and was well packed with two full humps of water, heading to Damascus for a little R & R, hopeful with trying to find a new Camel Daddy, who she could hang with, maybe pass some time, hump! After all, the now passed Larry liked it twice a day, and she was feeling pretty horny despite all the drama...

Along around midnight, not anywhere close to an oasis, she saw this bright star. 

She just stood there for about an hour, staring into the sky figuring either it was an exploding star, maybe just another UFO which see never really believed in, but was at least open to discussion, when suddenly she heard strange voices off in the distance.

It appeared to be be three guys, apparently all excited about something, she was thinking, "Probably just buzzed on Peyote buttons, as there wasn't much to do out in the desert to start with, might as well just get stoned!"

So, she just stood there, not wanting to draw attention, but yet, these three guys continued approaching in her direction.

She could have moved, but she figured, "What the hell, I miss Larry already, maybe they'll just kill and eat me, it's inevitable...let's just get this misery over with!"

Instead, as they approached, they did seem stoned, but not on Peyote or anything pharmaceutical, but joyous and happy about an event or concert or something?

The first dude walked up and asked her name?

She said, "Claire, just lost my old man to a Camel race, and they ate him, would you guy's like to eat me?"

They just just stood still, looking at one another, not sure what to say.

The second dude replied, "All we know is that we heard that they eat well, must have been those crazy Sheep herder's, crazy perverts!"

The third dude, smiling...said, "We're 3 Wise Men, we are following the star for the birth of Christ...we are without management as we speak!"

Claire responded, "It is probably just a UFO, perhaps a Mother Ship, I wouldn't get to excited, they're always showing up when you least expect it...nothing to get too concerned about!"

The second guy said, "No my lovely Camel with the beautiful humps, it's the Birth of Christ, we're already RSVP'ed, it's a party like no other!"

The first guy said, "Like we said...we're The Three Kings, the group...I brought some Gold!"

The second guy said, "I brought some Silver!"

The third guy, kicking some sand said, "Well I brought some mirth...it was on mark-down, 99 cent store!"

Claire just stood there staring at these three crazy guys, "What have you guys been smoking?"

The first one said, "We're high on the Lord!"

The second one said, "Christ the King, this is his birthday, the birth is coming!"

The third one just said, "I dunno, it's a gig...this is what happens when you don't have good management!"

Suddenly, out in the distance you could hear dozens of men coming their way.

It was the deranged Sheep herders heading in their direction, what would Claire and The Three Kings do?

The first guy just said, "Hey, let's tone it down a bit...we're just The Three Wise Men...roll with it!"

Claire looked confused, "Well what about me, what am I, chopped liver?"

The third guy just said, "No, just a big hunk of Camel girl!"

The second guy said, "Hey, we got all these goodies, we need to hide them somewhere?"

As the gang approached, they quickly put the gold and silver in the plastic bag that the mirth was in, figuring who in the world would think there was anything of value in a plastic 99 cent store bag?

They stuck the bag between Claire's humps, in the night, the plastic bag reflected the bright light of the Christ star, it was a good look for her, she smiled, "Thanks guys, now what do we do?"

The first King said, "Unless you want to be invited to the wrong side of the dinner table, I highly suggest you run like hell!"

The gang of wanna be Sheep herders spotted them, seeing Claire already on the menu, the losers went into full attack mode, now running...well sort of?

Claire, with her height, sees the encroachment said, "I agree, let's split this dune, come on boys, climb on...won't be the first time I've done three guys, use'd to run a taxi down in Tel Aviv, come on, let's go!"

So, Claire and The Three Wise Men made it to the The Manger, kind of a run down place, harboring animals and the Birth of a Christ child without permits, no running water, kind of place where the last thing you were thinking was whether they HBO or not...

As they entered, they all fell to their knees, seeing Baby Jesus in all his glory.

The third king asked Mary, "Who does your make-up, you look awesome?"

Mary smiled and spoke softly, "Thank you for showing up in time for this spiritual creation, this moment in time when Jesus has been born...who's the Camel?"

Claire smiled, "I know you probably won't write anything about me being here, I don't have an agent yet, sorry for barging in, but I had to give these guys a lift, heard it was like the most wondrous thing the world has ever experienced...couldn't just bounce on that!

Mary smiled, "I'll hook you up, got a friend at William Morris, don't think he's ever done a Camel before, who did your humps?"

Claire smiled, "Well thank you 'Mame..."

Mary said, "Hey, just call me Mary, everybody calls me Mary, I get around!"

Claire continued, "Well Mary, I was going to sing a Christmas song for you and the guys, would you mind, the humps are natural, I didn't have any work done, let's sing something, okay?"

"The first dude says, "How about We Three Kings...it's on the Billboard Top 10, crowds go nuts when we do it?"

The third dude asked again, "So who does your make-up, that must be some foundation you got on there?"

Mary looks at him firmly and says, "God as my Saviour your irritating, you must be the one that brought that cheap-ass Mirth, figured it was you!"

The third guy said, "It was discounted...it was a good deal, don't lose your head over it, okay?

Mary said as we finish, "The make-up is Clinique...off the shelf...CVS, the lights are Industrial Light and Magic, and this is the day of the Birth of Christ Our Lord. Merry Christmas to all!

The third guy asked, "So, ah...who's the Baby Daddy?"

The End