Granola Hippy

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2016

Granola Hippy

Early morning dew from a delicate leaf;

Smoke layers the Virginia mountains, God's Motif.

From these wonders, her beauty springs to existence;

A rarity of a woman, so lovely in her persistence...

She refuses to change, her heritage, country style;

Tempting one to take a cold lemonade and stay a while.

Blue Blood in purity, a wonder from Heavenly Skies;

Her smile creates pleasant thoughts, the look within her eyes.

A purest of nature, she changes nothing, time stands still;

She caresses with her thoughts, encouragement you will feel.

But, to really appreciate, why she's so kind;

Merely take a moment, and read her mind...

Smart and alert, always good things to say;

To listen to her speak, she takes your breath away!

She eats healthy too, Granola is her snack;

The freeness of a Hippy, now she's taking Me back!

Clearly, she is one with God, with pleasant content;

Her future looks bright, her lessons well spent.

She talks of her childhood, her family the factor;

When they all went to Church, even rode on a Tractor!

All grown up now, she's someone to admire;

Every Girl looks up to her, it's She they aspire!

All I know is that she was bred in the Mountains, where the air is quite nippy;

But, she will always be my special Granola Hippy!

                                                                                                                       Kirk Carter
                                                                                                                       3/3/2016



Loose In The Pants

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2016

Loose In The Pants

Was out at the Honky-Tonk Saturday night;

Had some Beers, shots of Whiskey, even got into a fight...

When a friend, her name was Gwen, lit up some Crack;

The night started churning, there was no turning back!

She took me to the dance floor, and boy did we dance;

When suddenly I felt something, loose in my pants.

Now, I'm not trying to be crass, but something was coming out my ass!

So, I excused myself and ran to the can;

Getting cleaned up, that was the plan.

In I go, through the bathroom door;

Toilets overflowing, there was Crap on the floor!

So, I doubled back, waved good bye to Gwen;

Down to my friends house, but I couldn't get in.

Now, it's going down my legs and into my boots;

Wondering how in the Hell I got into this Cahoots'?

I'm sloshing and squishing, some Girls said, "Hello";

As I waddled past the Bar, like some walking Jello.

Found a hose behind the Bar, where I tried to get clean;

Trying to avoid being detected, avoid being seen!

Walking out, I spotted my Brother driving his Truck;

Flagged him down, Thank God, finally some good luck...

Went down 'bout a block, my brother started having a fit;

"What you doing Man, Did you just take a Shit?"

I answered, "Yea, a little while back, you can still tell?"

"Man, you smell like a Skunk that came straight outta Hell!"

So, he stopped the Truck saying, "Get you Ass in the rear!"

"Getting out this smell is 'bout all I fear!"

And I finally got home, all renewed again;

Never doing Crack again, that's never a win.

So, now I'm all clean and back to the Dance;

But, I'll always remember something Loose In My Pants!

                                                       Kirk Carter

                                                 3/3/2016



Earl The Christmas Skunk

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

EARL THE CHRISTMAS SKUNK

The Wilson family had just finished their Thanksgiving dinner.

It was the family custom, that after the dinner to pile in the car with the chain saw in tow and go up to Calvert Mountain to find the perfect Christmas tree for the living room.

They were running late and Mister Wilson's normal practice of checking the future weathercast was furloughed, as they only had so much daylight to work with.

So, everybody hurriedly piled in the car and off they went!

Earl was a Skunk that lived on Calvert Mountain, lived alone, never had any kids (that he knew of), and for the most part, just a contented loner. He, like to do well...Skunk things, like chasing Wolves and the occasional Bear, and generally just being nosy about anything that entered into his area.

After two hours of driving, the weather started to take a turn for the worse. A Blizzard type storm was moving in. As it approached, the trails and roads were quickly snowed in, just as the Wilsons had found the perfect tree upon the mountain. Seeing how the weather had gotten so bad, so quickly, Mister Wilson hurriedly cut down the tree with the chain saw. Staying to custom however, he stopped for a moment, passing out slices of Sweet Potato Pie to all the members of the family.

But wait, this was Earl's area, and he had already taken notice of the intruders...the Wilson family, along with their tasty droppings. He knew himself, that he would have to leave the mountain for a while, at least until the snow had settled, but he just couldn't help exploring their offerings which sat on the picnic spread.

As Earl approached, the family (right on cue), did what most people do when they see a Skunk approaching...they run! In this case, to the car where they promptly slammed the doors. Earl was used to this, didn't bother him at all. After all, he was a smelly Skunk...he accepted himself for what he was!

Within minutes he had managed to scarf down the crumbs and tidbits when he spotted the rest of the pie still in the tin. He immediately got into it and finished off the whole thing. All full now, he rolled around the fresh snow where he had gotten crumbs, pieces of crust, and even the food receipt stuck into his fur.

He figured he should be making his way down the mountain before it got any colder. The Wilson family could only watch, still stuck in the snow and stranded.

As Earl made his way into the outskirts of town, crossing the main road, he had to avoid one car only to be clipped on a bumper by another, knocking him out cold!

Brenda, the lady that hit him, who worked as a Dispatcher for the local Police Department,  was very startled, exited the car and gathered up the putrid smelling Earl into her shawl and took him directly to the animal hospital. The Doctor said that the injured Skunk just had a concussion and should be okay in a day or two.

Noticing all the Sweet Potato Pie stuck to his fur, as well as a receipt which listed such an item, the doctor questioned where this little critter had been...but then, thought nothing of it.

But, for whatever reason, Brenda took interest and asked if she could have it, taking possession of the smelly receipt.

She thought to herself, that something was up, but couldn't put her finger on it!

The next day, a report came in that the Wilson family was missing. The Police checked the house and quickly concluded that they must have went up on Calvert Mountain to cut down their traditional Christmas tree. Finding a half full can of chain saw oil next to the garage, along with fresh drippings leading up to where they normally park their car, a search was called by the officers.

Brenda, who was back at the station calling in the team, couldn't figure out just where to assemble everybody, what side of the mountain's base? It was then she sensed a spiritual calling, an awareness she had never experienced.  For whatever reason, she thought about the skunk, that receipt, something pulled her to it. Looking at the wadded up receipt she had sealed in several sandwich bags, then getting on the computer, she quickly ran the debit card number and it came back from the Wilson account, yes! They would start their search where the Skunk was coming off the mountain.

That area the animal came down from, is where they started their search. Within the hour, they had given the Bloodhounds the scent from the receipt. This followed with howls of protest and disgust by the horrified K9's. Following a Skunk's scent was almost too much to handle, but they managed best they could. To avoid being overwhelmed they repeatedly dipped their sensitive noses in the fresh snow just to stay focused.


As the search team came to the crest of the mountain, the Wilson's car was finally spotted and a call for the Snowmobiles was called in. Within the hour, the whole family was rescued and brought down safely.


The next day, when the snow was cleared from the roads leading up the mountain, Brenda took it upon herself to take recovered Earl back up the mountain and releasing him to his "area".




And so the years have passed...eventually Earl finally found a mate, at least one who could tolerate him. They settled down and had a family, it was all good! The Wilson's still hold to their tradition of coming up the mountain once a year after Thanksgiving to cut down the perfect tree for Christmas. And to pay honor to the Skunk who saved their lives, they always leave behind a Sweet Potato Pie...just for Earl!








Merry Christmas






Motto: ALWAYS SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS!



Three Bears For Christmas

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

THREE BEARS FOR CHRISTMAS

Bob was a Black Bear who lived in the forest right outside of Syracuse.

His wife Paula met him at a creek a year back and quickly fell in Love with him after he shared a fish with her during the terrible cold of the winter's past.

Sadly, she had lost her previous Cubs including their Father to Wolves.

For some strange reason, she was due again, in the dead of Winter, as she was now carrying an unexpected Cub. They decided to break early from hibernation to find a place to give birth.

Bob was reluctant at first, but the cave they had selected was cracked and leaked sub-surface water into the area. He still couldn't figure out how or why she was giving birth so out of season? "Paula", he said "Tell me how is it possible to be having babies so far out of season...was it something I did?" Paula could only smile with a nod, as she followed her Man into the forest.

Coming upon a sign that read, "BLACK BEAR HUNT TODAY!", Bob could only shake his head, "Why would they want to kill us...for just being, just existing?"

Paula looked down, "Perhaps...there are too many of us, we've become a  problem, maybe they feel threatened by us being around...I know, it's not fair, but it is what it is!"

Bob growled, "They don't know us, they got us all wrong!"

Suddenly, Bob's fur split into a bloodied gash, as the delayed sound of a gunshot sounded.

Bob and Paula started running, zigzagging through the trees and into deeper brush.

Shaking now, Bob was trying to examine the wound. Paula pawed at his injury, "Don't worry Honey...just a Fur Gash, I don't think you got hit...you'll live!"

Bob complained, "Yea, but this sucker hurts, what can I do?"

Another bullet whizzed by, with an even quicker delay. They were closing in!

Paula said, "If we don't get going, we're going to end up as matching rugs, let's go...can you run?" Bob stood up, "We'll find out..."

Running again, they came upon a clearing where sat an old cottage. Some smoke was billowing out the chimney. They both stood there panting, as they looked for activity. Bob asked, "Whatta ya think?" Paula replied, "Only one way to find out!"

So, the two came up to the cottage and looked around. Bob saw the back door, and giving it a good push...magically, it opened! They hurriedly ran in, just as the Hunters entered the clearing. Looking around, they saw a pot on a fire in the fireplace, with the smells of a hearty vegetable stew drifting through the air.

Bob, "Are you hungry?"

Paula, "I'm starving...I've got to eat something!"

Bob couldn't get his paws around the ladle, but did manage to tip the kettle to it's side, plopping some of the stew to the brickwork floor, where they quickly gobbled up the offering.

Resting for a second, Paula's eyes suddenly got big, and she started uncontrollably panting.

"Oh Lord Bob, I think I'm having my baby!"

Bob could only stare in wonderment as she started to tense up, trying to catch her breath.

Bob could only assist by counting out her breathing.

Suddenly, the back door opened to a man, a man with a rifle, but still looking back at his friends who were following him in, "Hey guys", the Homeowner said, "Come on in for a toddy!" Bob and Paula laid perfectly still, as they still hadn't been detected. 

As the hunters came in, one by one, they spotted the pair of trespassing Bears by the fireplace.

They all raised their weapons to fire.

The Owner of the house, looked at the situation and said, "Them fur critters got into my stew, and I didn't even tag me a Bear today, these two are mine!"

Raising his rifle and taking aim, Paula groaned and started hyperventilating.

Something suddenly came over the Homeowner, he sensed mercy on the Mother, as all the other hunters put their guns down, too as Paula started giving birth to a Cub...one lone Cub!

One hunter said, "This far out of season, they ain't suppose to be havin any youngens!"

Another hunter gave an observation, "Her clock be all screwed up!

As another hunter chuckled, "The only one that's been screwing is the old man!"

Everybody laughed as they focused, quieted down, and stood silently as she completed her task.

The Homeowner just said, "Christmas is tomorrow...somethings going on here...I tell you guys, this is a sign of a higher power! They all seemed suddenly overcome with Spiritual Passion...they all out put their guns down, one by one, falling to their knees.

And as a improvised prayer closed out by the Homeowner, he closed with..."And you bestowed to me a miracle, for before us lay the 3 Bears Of Christmas!"

Everyone said "Amen.", as they clanked glasses of wine together.

The new born Cub could only yawn, running up to the Hunter's legs, rubbing himself against each one, validating himself to them and the new world around him.

That night, as the Homeowner sat in his rocking chair sipping his toddy, he silently made a cross with his hand into the air, thanking God for this unusual miracle of birth, as the Bear's rested in quiet, peacefully next to the fire!

Merry Christmas!

                                                                       Kirk Carter

12/6/2015



LEFTOVER BLUES

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

LEFTOVER BLUES

Was all excited, everyone invited, the party about to begin;

We all sat down, got unwound, hoping my team would win!

All the efforts were Bitchin, as the Cooks left the Kitchen,

Joining with a glass of wine;

There was laughter and a joke, as someone took a poke,

How recliners might curve the spine...

The Aper's were Bi-Valves and Shrimp, boiled to a limp,

While the Oysters played in the Butter.

Didn't take long, as the Wine turned to Song,

No place for Meekness or Mutter!

Through the 5th course, like a fattened horse,

Time was called out by the Host;

Just enough time, setting my belt loop a line,
Ready for the Celebratory Toast!

As we finished out, without a doubt,

The Leftovers appeared in Masses;

Figuring what went where, would it fit in there,

We were even packing Jelly Glasses!

Some stuff was in a Tin, a big Plastic Bin,

Wax Paper served as a holder;

If you wouldn't have seen, the Bacon and Bean,

It looked like I was smuggling a Boulder!

In any case, we air-kissed Face, and said our Good-Bye's once more;

So funny seeing, someone by the door peeing,

At least it wasn't on the floor...

Now, I must admit, I Love to sit, with People I barely know;

But after Introduction, you can almost feel the Suction,

New Friendship's will start to grow!

So, I'm back at the House, as an over-stuffed Mouse,

Who can't even get out of his hole;

Starts complaining to Me, It's been Day Three,

And Leftover's are still in the Bowl...

I cannot Lie, I Love my Pumpkin Pie, but in the Fridge...there's still 3 more;

 The tray of Turkey and Dressing, Oh what a Blessing,

Like carnage you'd see in a War!

Okay, It'll all Disappear, with the odd-Imported Beer,

The Party was Yesterday's News;

I hear Barbell sounds, Trying to lose 30 Pounds,

Thank God for the Leftover Blues!

                                                                                           Kirk Carter

                                                                                                                     11/29/2015                                        

 

If You Ignore Him

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

IF YOU IGNORE HIM

Once again I lay here in my fox hole,  it's do or die;

I'm pleading for the Lord to help me, I'm way too high!

God can you save me, "I won't do it again", I confess;

I won't do this anymore, I'm tired of being a mess...

But the Preacher said, "Your always listening";

With red eyes I plead, all puckered and glistening.

Yet, you brought me back, just to do it again;

My urge to use,  is such a toxic sin!

And that time I begged for a pick-up truck;

The Lord didn't hear me...just my luck.

What do I have to do, I'm a man with needs;

You never give me fruit, all I get are seeds?

So, what is it Lord, you think I'm not sincere;

As I lay here squandering with my meth, whisky, and beer?

Guess you can tell the difference from a plea or giving in;

I must confess, I'm a mess, living life all full of sin!

So, I'm turning my life to you God, I've gotten up off the floor;

I'm pleading for salvation, just please let me in the door.

It's real this time, I've turned my life around;

I'm standing tall, fully focused, feet are on the ground.

And there it was, my pick-up, earned it on my own;

God finally believed my call and did it all, I was not all alone.

So, when you ask for help, make the commitment, you can do this, too;

But just remember if you ignore God, he'll probably ignore you, too!

Kirk Carter

11/28/2015



Into The Fall

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

INTO THE FALL

Crisp leaves crack beneath my feet;

My breath can be seen, as my heart is keeping beat.

Oh, and the newness of fresh air, driving from the north;

It's the shift of season coming, nature moving forth!

As the leaves start to fall, the breeze against my face;

Been through this before, I defiantly know my place.

A chill clenches to skin, as Goosebumps start to rise;

It's just a taste of what's to come, Winter in disguise.

As memory reflects back, on holidays of the past;

Can we generate a new experience, will the old one's last?

And, I so much wish to share, this very moment with you;

Caress my words with vision, and make our visit true...

It's arrival, like a clock on-time, Nature's calendar set;

I smile toward bright sun today, for soon be snow and wet.

And people seem to bustle, at this time of year;

Shopping for things for Loved ones, on a midday clear.

And smiles are in abundance, from a stranger to a friend;

Your handshake may be gloved, but good joy we do send!

The Squirrels and critters scurry, their dance amongst the trees;

The floral is rustic, "Hey, where are all the bees?"

Scavenging for nuts, before vapor turns to frost;

Hope they remember where they put them, hope they don't get lost!

Childhood comes to mind, ah Thanksgiving...the food;

Puts every boy and girl in us, back in a heartfelt mood.

Long lost beginnings, can you sense them like me;

When life seemed like fantasy and life was full of glee?

So, cherish these moments, and have yourself a ball;

With renewal, and our blessings, Into The Fall!

Kirk Carter

11/24/2015