Earl The Christmas Skunk

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

EARL THE CHRISTMAS SKUNK

The Wilson family had just finished their Thanksgiving dinner.

It was the family custom, that after the dinner to pile in the car with the chain saw in tow and go up to Calvert Mountain to find the perfect Christmas tree for the living room.

They were running late and Mister Wilson's normal practice of checking the future weathercast was furloughed, as they only had so much daylight to work with.

So, everybody hurriedly piled in the car and off they went!

Earl was a Skunk that lived on Calvert Mountain, lived alone, never had any kids (that he knew of), and for the most part, just a contented loner. He, like to do well...Skunk things, like chasing Wolves and the occasional Bear, and generally just being nosy about anything that entered into his area.

After two hours of driving, the weather started to take a turn for the worse. A Blizzard type storm was moving in. As it approached, the trails and roads were quickly snowed in, just as the Wilsons had found the perfect tree upon the mountain. Seeing how the weather had gotten so bad, so quickly, Mister Wilson hurriedly cut down the tree with the chain saw. Staying to custom however, he stopped for a moment, passing out slices of Sweet Potato Pie to all the members of the family.

But wait, this was Earl's area, and he had already taken notice of the intruders...the Wilson family, along with their tasty droppings. He knew himself, that he would have to leave the mountain for a while, at least until the snow had settled, but he just couldn't help exploring their offerings which sat on the picnic spread.

As Earl approached, the family (right on cue), did what most people do when they see a Skunk approaching...they run! In this case, to the car where they promptly slammed the doors. Earl was used to this, didn't bother him at all. After all, he was a smelly Skunk...he accepted himself for what he was!

Within minutes he had managed to scarf down the crumbs and tidbits when he spotted the rest of the pie still in the tin. He immediately got into it and finished off the whole thing. All full now, he rolled around the fresh snow where he had gotten crumbs, pieces of crust, and even the food receipt stuck into his fur.

He figured he should be making his way down the mountain before it got any colder. The Wilson family could only watch, still stuck in the snow and stranded.

As Earl made his way into the outskirts of town, crossing the main road, he had to avoid one car only to be clipped on a bumper by another, knocking him out cold!

Brenda, the lady that hit him, who worked as a Dispatcher for the local Police Department,  was very startled, exited the car and gathered up the putrid smelling Earl into her shawl and took him directly to the animal hospital. The Doctor said that the injured Skunk just had a concussion and should be okay in a day or two.

Noticing all the Sweet Potato Pie stuck to his fur, as well as a receipt which listed such an item, the doctor questioned where this little critter had been...but then, thought nothing of it.

But, for whatever reason, Brenda took interest and asked if she could have it, taking possession of the smelly receipt.

She thought to herself, that something was up, but couldn't put her finger on it!

The next day, a report came in that the Wilson family was missing. The Police checked the house and quickly concluded that they must have went up on Calvert Mountain to cut down their traditional Christmas tree. Finding a half full can of chain saw oil next to the garage, along with fresh drippings leading up to where they normally park their car, a search was called by the officers.

Brenda, who was back at the station calling in the team, couldn't figure out just where to assemble everybody, what side of the mountain's base? It was then she sensed a spiritual calling, an awareness she had never experienced.  For whatever reason, she thought about the skunk, that receipt, something pulled her to it. Looking at the wadded up receipt she had sealed in several sandwich bags, then getting on the computer, she quickly ran the debit card number and it came back from the Wilson account, yes! They would start their search where the Skunk was coming off the mountain.

That area the animal came down from, is where they started their search. Within the hour, they had given the Bloodhounds the scent from the receipt. This followed with howls of protest and disgust by the horrified K9's. Following a Skunk's scent was almost too much to handle, but they managed best they could. To avoid being overwhelmed they repeatedly dipped their sensitive noses in the fresh snow just to stay focused.


As the search team came to the crest of the mountain, the Wilson's car was finally spotted and a call for the Snowmobiles was called in. Within the hour, the whole family was rescued and brought down safely.


The next day, when the snow was cleared from the roads leading up the mountain, Brenda took it upon herself to take recovered Earl back up the mountain and releasing him to his "area".




And so the years have passed...eventually Earl finally found a mate, at least one who could tolerate him. They settled down and had a family, it was all good! The Wilson's still hold to their tradition of coming up the mountain once a year after Thanksgiving to cut down the perfect tree for Christmas. And to pay honor to the Skunk who saved their lives, they always leave behind a Sweet Potato Pie...just for Earl!








Merry Christmas






Motto: ALWAYS SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS!



Three Bears For Christmas

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

THREE BEARS FOR CHRISTMAS

Bob was a Black Bear who lived in the forest right outside of Syracuse.

His wife Paula met him at a creek a year back and quickly fell in Love with him after he shared a fish with her during the terrible cold of the winter's past.

Sadly, she had lost her previous Cubs including their Father to Wolves.

For some strange reason, she was due again, in the dead of Winter, as she was now carrying an unexpected Cub. They decided to break early from hibernation to find a place to give birth.

Bob was reluctant at first, but the cave they had selected was cracked and leaked sub-surface water into the area. He still couldn't figure out how or why she was giving birth so out of season? "Paula", he said "Tell me how is it possible to be having babies so far out of season...was it something I did?" Paula could only smile with a nod, as she followed her Man into the forest.

Coming upon a sign that read, "BLACK BEAR HUNT TODAY!", Bob could only shake his head, "Why would they want to kill us...for just being, just existing?"

Paula looked down, "Perhaps...there are too many of us, we've become a  problem, maybe they feel threatened by us being around...I know, it's not fair, but it is what it is!"

Bob growled, "They don't know us, they got us all wrong!"

Suddenly, Bob's fur split into a bloodied gash, as the delayed sound of a gunshot sounded.

Bob and Paula started running, zigzagging through the trees and into deeper brush.

Shaking now, Bob was trying to examine the wound. Paula pawed at his injury, "Don't worry Honey...just a Fur Gash, I don't think you got hit...you'll live!"

Bob complained, "Yea, but this sucker hurts, what can I do?"

Another bullet whizzed by, with an even quicker delay. They were closing in!

Paula said, "If we don't get going, we're going to end up as matching rugs, let's go...can you run?" Bob stood up, "We'll find out..."

Running again, they came upon a clearing where sat an old cottage. Some smoke was billowing out the chimney. They both stood there panting, as they looked for activity. Bob asked, "Whatta ya think?" Paula replied, "Only one way to find out!"

So, the two came up to the cottage and looked around. Bob saw the back door, and giving it a good push...magically, it opened! They hurriedly ran in, just as the Hunters entered the clearing. Looking around, they saw a pot on a fire in the fireplace, with the smells of a hearty vegetable stew drifting through the air.

Bob, "Are you hungry?"

Paula, "I'm starving...I've got to eat something!"

Bob couldn't get his paws around the ladle, but did manage to tip the kettle to it's side, plopping some of the stew to the brickwork floor, where they quickly gobbled up the offering.

Resting for a second, Paula's eyes suddenly got big, and she started uncontrollably panting.

"Oh Lord Bob, I think I'm having my baby!"

Bob could only stare in wonderment as she started to tense up, trying to catch her breath.

Bob could only assist by counting out her breathing.

Suddenly, the back door opened to a man, a man with a rifle, but still looking back at his friends who were following him in, "Hey guys", the Homeowner said, "Come on in for a toddy!" Bob and Paula laid perfectly still, as they still hadn't been detected. 

As the hunters came in, one by one, they spotted the pair of trespassing Bears by the fireplace.

They all raised their weapons to fire.

The Owner of the house, looked at the situation and said, "Them fur critters got into my stew, and I didn't even tag me a Bear today, these two are mine!"

Raising his rifle and taking aim, Paula groaned and started hyperventilating.

Something suddenly came over the Homeowner, he sensed mercy on the Mother, as all the other hunters put their guns down, too as Paula started giving birth to a Cub...one lone Cub!

One hunter said, "This far out of season, they ain't suppose to be havin any youngens!"

Another hunter gave an observation, "Her clock be all screwed up!

As another hunter chuckled, "The only one that's been screwing is the old man!"

Everybody laughed as they focused, quieted down, and stood silently as she completed her task.

The Homeowner just said, "Christmas is tomorrow...somethings going on here...I tell you guys, this is a sign of a higher power! They all seemed suddenly overcome with Spiritual Passion...they all out put their guns down, one by one, falling to their knees.

And as a improvised prayer closed out by the Homeowner, he closed with..."And you bestowed to me a miracle, for before us lay the 3 Bears Of Christmas!"

Everyone said "Amen.", as they clanked glasses of wine together.

The new born Cub could only yawn, running up to the Hunter's legs, rubbing himself against each one, validating himself to them and the new world around him.

That night, as the Homeowner sat in his rocking chair sipping his toddy, he silently made a cross with his hand into the air, thanking God for this unusual miracle of birth, as the Bear's rested in quiet, peacefully next to the fire!

Merry Christmas!

                                                                       Kirk Carter

12/6/2015



LEFTOVER BLUES

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

LEFTOVER BLUES

Was all excited, everyone invited, the party about to begin;

We all sat down, got unwound, hoping my team would win!

All the efforts were Bitchin, as the Cooks left the Kitchen,

Joining with a glass of wine;

There was laughter and a joke, as someone took a poke,

How recliners might curve the spine...

The Aper's were Bi-Valves and Shrimp, boiled to a limp,

While the Oysters played in the Butter.

Didn't take long, as the Wine turned to Song,

No place for Meekness or Mutter!

Through the 5th course, like a fattened horse,

Time was called out by the Host;

Just enough time, setting my belt loop a line,
Ready for the Celebratory Toast!

As we finished out, without a doubt,

The Leftovers appeared in Masses;

Figuring what went where, would it fit in there,

We were even packing Jelly Glasses!

Some stuff was in a Tin, a big Plastic Bin,

Wax Paper served as a holder;

If you wouldn't have seen, the Bacon and Bean,

It looked like I was smuggling a Boulder!

In any case, we air-kissed Face, and said our Good-Bye's once more;

So funny seeing, someone by the door peeing,

At least it wasn't on the floor...

Now, I must admit, I Love to sit, with People I barely know;

But after Introduction, you can almost feel the Suction,

New Friendship's will start to grow!

So, I'm back at the House, as an over-stuffed Mouse,

Who can't even get out of his hole;

Starts complaining to Me, It's been Day Three,

And Leftover's are still in the Bowl...

I cannot Lie, I Love my Pumpkin Pie, but in the Fridge...there's still 3 more;

 The tray of Turkey and Dressing, Oh what a Blessing,

Like carnage you'd see in a War!

Okay, It'll all Disappear, with the odd-Imported Beer,

The Party was Yesterday's News;

I hear Barbell sounds, Trying to lose 30 Pounds,

Thank God for the Leftover Blues!

                                                                                           Kirk Carter

                                                                                                                     11/29/2015                                        

 

If You Ignore Him

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

IF YOU IGNORE HIM

Once again I lay here in my fox hole,  it's do or die;

I'm pleading for the Lord to help me, I'm way too high!

God can you save me, "I won't do it again", I confess;

I won't do this anymore, I'm tired of being a mess...

But the Preacher said, "Your always listening";

With red eyes I plead, all puckered and glistening.

Yet, you brought me back, just to do it again;

My urge to use,  is such a toxic sin!

And that time I begged for a pick-up truck;

The Lord didn't hear me...just my luck.

What do I have to do, I'm a man with needs;

You never give me fruit, all I get are seeds?

So, what is it Lord, you think I'm not sincere;

As I lay here squandering with my meth, whisky, and beer?

Guess you can tell the difference from a plea or giving in;

I must confess, I'm a mess, living life all full of sin!

So, I'm turning my life to you God, I've gotten up off the floor;

I'm pleading for salvation, just please let me in the door.

It's real this time, I've turned my life around;

I'm standing tall, fully focused, feet are on the ground.

And there it was, my pick-up, earned it on my own;

God finally believed my call and did it all, I was not all alone.

So, when you ask for help, make the commitment, you can do this, too;

But just remember if you ignore God, he'll probably ignore you, too!

Kirk Carter

11/28/2015



Into The Fall

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

INTO THE FALL

Crisp leaves crack beneath my feet;

My breath can be seen, as my heart is keeping beat.

Oh, and the newness of fresh air, driving from the north;

It's the shift of season coming, nature moving forth!

As the leaves start to fall, the breeze against my face;

Been through this before, I defiantly know my place.

A chill clenches to skin, as Goosebumps start to rise;

It's just a taste of what's to come, Winter in disguise.

As memory reflects back, on holidays of the past;

Can we generate a new experience, will the old one's last?

And, I so much wish to share, this very moment with you;

Caress my words with vision, and make our visit true...

It's arrival, like a clock on-time, Nature's calendar set;

I smile toward bright sun today, for soon be snow and wet.

And people seem to bustle, at this time of year;

Shopping for things for Loved ones, on a midday clear.

And smiles are in abundance, from a stranger to a friend;

Your handshake may be gloved, but good joy we do send!

The Squirrels and critters scurry, their dance amongst the trees;

The floral is rustic, "Hey, where are all the bees?"

Scavenging for nuts, before vapor turns to frost;

Hope they remember where they put them, hope they don't get lost!

Childhood comes to mind, ah Thanksgiving...the food;

Puts every boy and girl in us, back in a heartfelt mood.

Long lost beginnings, can you sense them like me;

When life seemed like fantasy and life was full of glee?

So, cherish these moments, and have yourself a ball;

With renewal, and our blessings, Into The Fall!

Kirk Carter

11/24/2015

Sacrifice

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

SACRIFICE

Taking what I want, taking what I need;

My selfish appetite, my intended greed!

And yes it did continue, all my needs came first;

The more the better so I thought, so much unlimited thirst.

And then one day, everything fell down;

There wasn't a giving person anywhere around.

Looking for givers, the roster was bare;

No one around that seemed to really care.

I called for God, but he was preoccupied;

My one vestige of hope, I curled up and cried!

Finally looking in myself, I turned things around;

God saw my efforts, my feet were on the ground.

And he told me of giving, putting forth for common good;

Helping others first, just like it always should.

Slowly things put forth, were suddenly gifted back;

Unprovoked as a showing, found goodies in my sack!

Many, many times what I did. all came back to me;

Everyone is happy, it's fairly plain to see!

So, it does pay off, when you do something nice;

How rewarding the effort, in a little Sacrifice...

The Bridge To Bliss

 Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

 

 

 

 

THE BRIDGE TO BLISS

 

 

 

I saw you from a distance, reflected wet surface below;

Guess you must serve a purpose, something God would only know.

 

So, just what are you doing here, daring me to cross;

You sure look alluring, I must admit, my words were at a loss.

 

Purpose without equation, deep meaning to crossing streams;

Is this a new beginning, could this be what it seems?

 

I started walking circles, pondering to scratch my head;

Trying to figure out what to do, where would I make my bed?"

 

Things weren't changing over here, what's really over there;

A new type of existence, is it really worth the dare?

 

I said a prayer, taking first step, stepping stones that paved the way;

Onto the bridge, I progressed, I thought, "This will probably take all day!"

 

At midway point, I stopped for a look, at the flowing brook below;

I could have jumped off in a second, no one would ever know!

 

So, forward I continued, as curiosity drew me near;

I felt so at peace right then, no trace of fright or fear.

 

And finally I reached that last step, landing firmly on solid ground;

"What did I just do", I thought, "Maybe I should turn around?"

 

Then suddenly a feeling came over me, a voice came in the air;

"New life for you my son", I heard, "New Love for you to share!"

 

And there before me she stood, so beautiful...just like a dream;

She said, "I crossed the bridge too, we are his chosen team."

 

I reached and touched her hand, then caressed her face;

Only God could have brought us together, in such a lovely place.

 

She smiled in agreement, as we held an extended kiss; 

We both made the trek, God kept his promise,

We both crossed the Bridge To Bliss!

 

 

 

Kirk Carter

November 9, 2015

 



The Pumpkin That Saved Halloween

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

THE PUMPKIN THAT SAVED HALLOWEEN

Farmer Jim spent a good part of his life farming crops down in Waco, Texas.

Although he raised mostly beans, corn, and a wide variety of vegetables. 

His biggest thrill was when he got around to putting in his fall crop around late summer.

Pumpkins were his speciality, and competition-sized jumbo pumpkins was his pride and joy!

Having settled for third and fourth place several times, he was sure that this time he could eventually beat old Farmer Bob from just down the road.

Bob was a 3 time winner, and placed 1st place with every attempt.

Farmer Jim could only hope that this year he would hold the coveted Texas State Fair Blue Ribbon. He prayed that it would be his turn.

Soon enough, it was the beginning of October and Farmer Jim had already picked out the biggest pumpkin out of his harem of orange monsters.

After loading several dozen smaller pumpkins for the Children's Orphanage to carve out for Halloween, he worked on the dilemma of getting the giant pumpkin loaded, too!

Getting it onto the back lip of the truck required the use his old tractor.

As he placed it onto the back bed, you could hear the creak and strain of the suspension as it accepted the load. At this point, he had no idea how much it weighed, he just knew it just had to be a competitor for "Best In Show!"

As he got to the fair, he immediately spotted Farmer Jim with his chromed out Silverado with it's own matching pumpkin tractor. Farmer Jim could only grimace as he had to use the utility rental supplied by the fair.

They both took their prized loads to the official Pumpkin Inspection Station for check-in and verification. This was important as some contestants would cut the bottoms out and place extra weight in the cavities to cheat the scale.

Hours would pass, but finally the weigh-in was underway. Farmer Brown from Tyler weighed in his pumpkin at 824 pounds. Then came Farmer Jim, with fingers crossed...his came in at

843 pounds. Jim was feeling confidant, but now for Farmer Bob's entry.

The three time winner smiled as the scale show a perfect 845 pounds.

Jim could only look at the ground, shaking his head in disappointment.

"A measly two pounds...how could this be?", he thought.

Farmer Bob chuckled back, "Got ya again boy...better luck next time!"

As Jim loaded his 2nd place pumpkin back on the end of the truck, he still stopped and thanked God for the $250 dollar cash prize which he already decided to donate to the orphanage, along with the other 24 pumpkins cradled in the front of the bed, he headed onto the road toward the orphanage.

As he rounded a tree line curb, approaching an old country intersection, complete with yellow blinking lights and 4-way stop signs, he slowed up to look both ways.

Suddenly, a truck load of intoxicated country boys who were also coming from the fair, caught up to Farmer Jim's overloaded truck.

Not seeing the blinking yellow lights, nor the truck in time, they plowed full speed into the back of Jim's truck. The force was fully absorbed by the giant pumpkin dangling on the truck's edge.

The pumpkin exploded, sparing the drunkards, Jim, and the 24 small pumpkins to it's front.

As the driver was lead away to jail, Farmer Jim realized that his truck was just fine. Gazing around the road, seeing only tiny pieces of what was left of his giant monster.

He thought, "It sacrificed itself, it gave it's life for the good of others...it was truly a blessing, a winner after all!"

As he pulled into the orphanage, he could see the kids screaming and waving as he approached.

Handing out the pumpkins, he soon saw Sister Ann. Giving her a big hug and the check for 

2nd place, they settled in for pie and coffee.

After he told her of how his giant pumpkin saved the day Sister Ann replied, 

"Truly amazing...It's the pumpkin that saved Halloween!"

May you all be thankful and truly blessed, Happy Halloween...

Kirk Carter

October 31, 2015

Finding Higher Power

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

FINDING HIGHER POWER

A search of conclusion, to what guides us a along;

The resolve to resolution, it is the Commoner's song.

Look deep within, your soul seeks to find;

Give it a moment...it will depend, look deep within your mind.

All told, your soul will look to Sacred intenty;

Be that bold, hold your focus, your promise for infinity.

Time will pass as surroundings change, you'll soon see;

Looking up as things rearrange, the better you will be!

Find your purpose, your reason, to why you must coexist;

It will hit you like snow out of season, dry day with Autumn mist.

State your need for direction, as you bare all of yourself;

Your spirit will show affection, as you gain in Spiritual wealth.

And before you know it, it will occur, minute to the hour;

A vibrant feeling in just a blur, you've found your Higher Power!

Kirk Carter

October 30, 2015

Bottle On The Wall

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

BOTTLE ON THE WALL

Coming home with my first date, she saw this bottle on the wall;

Just sitting by itself, on it's on little shelf, weirdest thing she ever saw.

The bottle was empty, nothing in it, some cobwebs around the neck;

I just said, "It reminds me of a time when I was a total social wreck!"

"But why keep it", she said, "Doesn't it make you want to do it again?"

"No my Dear", I responded, "Just reminds me when I was full of sin!"

The evening wore on, she beat me at Scrabble, as the lemonade tampered down;

And I was beginning to wonder...should we do another round?

But, suddenly she began to carress me, so pleasant to say for sure;

"Can't believe you had these problems, your thoughts just seem so pure!"

"I chuckled, "If you could see the leaves, of this old tarnished book,",

"You might have had second thoughts, might not have taken a look..."

As the night progressed, we got frisky, sans whiskey, very very nice;

I felt her in my arms as we blended, my cherished sugar and spice.

So, finally the morning came, we showered, getting ready for the day;

We enjoyed each other's company, there wasn't very much to say.

Making our way up the hallway, she touched the bottle, my make shift shrine;

"So, by giving up this, you gave me a kiss, for that I'll make you mine!"

"Promises my sweet", I said, "Promises make me feel tall!"

And if I ever question what could have been, I just look to the Bottle On The Wall!

Kirk Carter

October  29, 2015

Red Leaf

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

RED LEAF

Walking along a well worn path, I saw a leaf a leaf so bright with colors;

Many leaves I had seen, it seemed so different than the others.

A deep red pronouncement, contrasted hues, so iridescent it glowed;

Where it came from, just one tree, figured no one really knows?

But, I thought, "What travels, the time it took from seed to final rest;

It might have been a hundred years, it survived Mother Nature's test!"

Oh my friend, I feel I know you, so brilliant you speak to me;

You may be another leaf to others, but myself in you I see.

Thinking of the work you did, collecting sunlight with leafy others;

You worked together for the sake of the tree, the unity of focused brothers.

But, you seemed to have worked much harder, your brilliance shows so bright;

You could have been just average, for perfection one must fight!

I thought, "Much like people, we put to task our life long work;

We separate through focused indifference, our focus makes us perk!"

Singular conclusion, to all illusion, no simple path for those that shine;

I see your glow, for all to know, so similar yours and mine.

So I pick you up, your memory I'll keep, in Spirit I carry belief;

That my life will carry importance and full of promise,

like you my special Red Leaf!

Kirk Carter

October 27, 2015

Birthday Card To Me

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear productions@ Copyright 2015

Birthday Card To Me

Well, here it is my birthday;

Age'd a year once again.

And although I question why I'm still here;

It might have something to do with this pen.

So delirious is the calling, remembering the falling,

total weakness, so appalling...

But now, I'm focus straight, no debate,

No crumbs on my plate.

But, for all of you that know me, I have all of you to thank;

Cause even when things looked hopeless,

You pulled me out of the tank!

Looks silly now when you think about it, letting myself get so low;

But my Guardian Angels surrounded me...they know!

So, bless all of you for believing, as you see;

I'm older and wiser, this Birthday Card To Me!

Bless All Of You...

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

Stevie Ray And The Bear

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

Stevie Ray And The Bear

Although my stint with House Of Blues in Las Vegas (about 4 years) was was short lived.

I was able to move from Audio Tech #1 to Floor Manager in short time. 

Got a chance to meet the greats and some not so, but they all just came there to pluck their strings and do the music thing, everyone seemingly on their own voyage through the world of entertaining the masses. Like I have always said, when it's all said and done, no matter how great your talents or abilities are, you can't take it with you, and you become just another of the great talents who are no longer with us any more!

One of the dudes I was lucky enough to work with, that being 3 times in three years was

 Stevie Ray Vaughn. Super gifted and ego driven, he seemed suspect for an early demise. It was almost like he had achieved an immense ability which seemed to piss off those who had passed and went to the light.

Point being, is that you have to generate your fame and influence at certain variables. Take for instance myself...I generate all my thoughts, outlines, and writings from the dozens who traffic their ideas through me. These are people that have long passed on and use me as their personal convent. My talent can be respected, but I would be the first person to tell you, I have no idea who's writing this stuff half the time!

Please note that Stevie left me a nice tip and we actually had lunch together on my third year as he past through the doors for the last time. I was the floor manager and he was pushing the envelope as so many in his business do. Please note on the following downloads how he orchestrates "Tightrope" with the "Tube Screamer" i.e. (Jimi Hendrix, Carlos Santana, Robin Trower)), and look how he actually smokes Jimi in his rendition of "Voodoo Child"...gives me goosebumps watching him literally reach down and work the flanger with his hands. Top stuff!

In any case, I originate on my own merits, but you as the reader have already been informed...I'm just reading from the light! 

Happy Birthday Kat-2015

Kirk Carter@ 2015

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAT

To the most special girl I know;

Who dared to care, always there to show!

Of times when things, were ruff...kinda tuff...

You brought me back, Kirk...you've had enough!

And through worshiped tears, as Loved one's moved toward the light;

Kat was there, all huggy and bright!

So, as we tag one more, showing our age once again;

Please know how much I Love you, sweet emotions as I pen...

And as your brother, you have no other,

than the special crew who bless you;

For everything you do, so damn proud of you!

So, smile and give yourself a pat;

Wishing you all the best, Happy Birthday Kat!

All My Love, Kirk

Compassion In Fashion

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

COMPASSION IN FASHION

Compassion, seems so out of fashion;

With precarious flare, do we dare, does one care, full circle...we share!

Think it worthless to show purpose, in a troubled time;

After all, it's your life...your dime?

Maybe a simple prayer, be silent...who knows;

Of what the stress has taken, it shows.

And before you forgive compassion's rule;

Look at the creative school...

Of emotions in disarray;

It's one thing to be something, glowing like a pumpkin;

It's the price of being different, your way!

So the focus look, like water in a brook;

It's distance close but running by;

Compassion is not out of fashion, showing your feelings to and fro;

For those just getting by!

Efforts toward perfection, the infection of those who fail to quit;

Be loyal to your loved ones, see the reality of ageing, do not give up and sit...

Not anyone is perfect, yet some closer than most;

Give them credit for doing so well, so high on the post...

But, for most we fail and try again, humans bound back once more;

And just when you think you got it, something came up and shot it...

Once again finding yourself on the floor!

Other be watching your movement, through variable plause;

As you get to your feet, claiming no defeat;

 You are the contender of cause...

So, feel the emotion, the potion of care, as one defy's certain doom;

It's the coding of compassion, that should always be in fashion;

Facts first...don't always assume!

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

Fish Grabber

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

Acct. Script copy 51614

Client: Ramco

FISH GRABBER

HEY FISHERMEN, SICK AND TIRED OF MESSY WORMS, CRICKETS THAT WON'T  STAY ON THE HOOK, AND HUMMING ARTIFICIAL LURES INTO THE WATER TILL YOUR ARMS FALL OFF?

HOLD ON!

NOW THERE'S "FISH GRABBER", A SPECIALLY DESIGNED COMPUTER CONTROLLED FISH SEEKER, WHICH HUNTS DOWN YOUR FISH AUTOMATICALLY!

REMEMBER THOSE DAYS OF BRINGING CLUNKY RIFLES TO YOUR FAVORITE FISHING HOLE, JUST TO WASTE AMMUNITION AND BE ARRESTED BY THE COPS?

AMMUNITION IS EXPENSIVE AND NOISY, AND LET'S FACE IT, (UNLESS YOU LIVE IN TEXAS, WHERE IF YOU FIND IT MOVING, YOU CAN LEGALLY JUST KILL IT), INCARCERATION JUST RUINS THE DAY...FOR A FISH DINNER, REALLY?

 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT AFTER SEVERAL DAYS OF BINGE DRINKING, FIRE ARMS ARE THE LAST THING YOU NEED TO BE CARRYING AROUND. FISH DON'T STAY STILL IN THE WATER, ALL THAT CONSTANT MOVING AROUND DRIVES MOST OF US NUTS! HOW ARE YOU GUARANTEED ANYTHING TO EAT IF YOUR NOT ANY GOOD AT SHOOTING THINGS THAT AREN'T GOING TO STAY STILL?

NOT TO WORRY!

SIMPLY CAST THE POWERED "FISH GRABBER" CARTRIDGE IN TO THE WATER AS YOU WOULD A USUAL LURE...AND WITHIN SECONDS IT'S SPECIAL IR SENSORS SEEK OUT THE CLOSEST FISH, AND THE CHASE IS ON!

IT'S TWIN ELECTRIC TURBO WARP SYSTEM COMES TO LIFE (POWERED BY CESIUM RADIOACTIVE PELLETS) IT CAN EASILY ACHIEVE 180 MILES PER HOUR... AND IN MERE SECONDS IT CLOSES IN ON IT'S PREY, PROVIDING THE SELECTED FISH WITH TOTALLY NO CHANCE OF ESCAPING.

WATCH PAPA CHUCKLE AS HE OPENS THE REEL, WHILE THE "FISH GRABBER" COMES TO LIFE, AND THE DESPOOLING TAKES PLACE...TRUE FAMILY ENJOYMENT, AS THE FISH BECOMES QUICKLY EXHAUSTED AND READILY SUBMITS TO CAPTURE.

FROM THERE, LET TECHNOLOGY DO THE DIRTY WORK, AS IT'S MECHANICAL CLAWS GRAB THE WORN OUT FISH BY THE TAIL, WHILE SENDING YOU A TEXT ON YOUR SMARTPHONE APP TO "REEL IN".

A FRESHLY CAUGHT FISH IS SOON IN YOUR NET...A FRESH FISH DINNER SOON AWAITS YOUR FAMILY!

WHAT COULD BE SIMPLER?

THIS IS TECHNOLOGY THAT HAS TED WILLIAMS TURNING IN HIS GRAVE!

BUT WAIT...LET'S BETTER THE DEAL...FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, FOR AN EXTRA $259.95, WE WILL INCLUDE THE AUTOMATED REEL, COMPUTERIZED HUMMING POLE, "ACTION CAMERA",  "THE FISH GRABBER", AND AN UNDERWATER STORAGE BOX WHICH AUTOMATICALLY CATCHES AND STORES YOUR FISH UNDETECTED TILL YOUR READY TO LEAVE. HOW PERFECT IS THAT?

WHO NEEDS THE HASSLE OF A FISHING LICENSE WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN SEEM TO BE FISHING TO START WITH?

FOR THE FIRST 1000 CUSTOMERS WE'LL EVEN THROW IN A TWO YEAR SUPPLY OF CESIUM PELLETS...YOU CAN AUTO FISH EVERY DAY...WHAT A LIFE!

ORDER NOW!

PLEASE CALL 1-800--FISH GRAB

YOUR "FISH GRABBER" WILL BE BILLED TO YOUR MASTERCARD OR VISA AT $1,200

AUTOMATED "FISH GRABBER FOR $1,459.95

OR JUST PAY A MONTHLY INSTALLMENT OF $25 FOR THE REST OF YOUR WAKING LIFE.

HAPPY FISHING

From the makers of the "Robot Dog Walker" and the "Deer Hunt Rifle Drone"
RAMCO-Abusing Technology Wherever We Can!



p.s. Don't even ask...I was apparently out of my mind over the weekend and I tapped this out.
Seemed to be amusing anyway...please forgive my idiocy here...

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

Mom's Make The World Go Around!

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

MOM'S MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND!

Once I said, if left to the guys;

There would be no baby's, there would be no pies!

Women are special, but Mother's gain glee;

From Women to Mother...for all of us to see!

But beauty to focus, commit to new life;

Whether she's to herself or be a wife.

It's that considerable durability, her ability...

The mind set of going full term, what agility...

Men folk can only stare and wonder;

As her hormones peak out and thunder.

What must be going through her mind;

Her body all contorted, all out of line?

But, she smiles, despite the pain, the weight gain;

Almost feels like she's going insane!

And the kicking and the cravings, unborn misbehaving;

Being a Mother...is nocturnal enslaving!

But, then it happens, through labor and the sweat;

Here come baby, all gooey and wet!

A smile comes to her face, but work has just begun;

Is it a girl...or is it a son?

The commitment to her partner, man or girl;

Is what makes Mom's special, it rules our world...

So, Happy Mother's Day, to all that endure;

Mom's make the world go around...that be for sure!

P.S. This is dedicated to the memory of my Mom, who still wakes me up in spirit each day, and to the blessings of my sister Kat...without her guidance and belief in me at earlier periled times, I simply would not exist. Bless you girls, All My Love!

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York

Booty Tush Bass Pad

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

BOOTY TUSH BASS PAD

This is a design based on resonating the buttocks natural fat lipids which are active in the 1.7 and 2.8 hertz range. The device uses Inductive Reactance and Harmonic Resonance to perform it's magic. With the input of just a smartphone as your preamp, you create a field of energy in that range from the primariy ribbon of magnetic winding's of the padded pillow you sit on, it transmits it's energy to the fat lipids in that region, creating vibration within the body itself.

This feels fantastic!

With a descent mid-range and treble set of headphones or ear buds, one can achieve levels of compression that you would only get in a sealed studio, perhaps a car, or better yet...a live concert!

The Booty Tush Bass Pad makes no actual sound to a person sitting next to the one sitting on the pad, but they may hear music emanating from one's buttock region. As their eyes are rolled back and enjoying the experience, envy just might ensue!

Specifications

Frequency response-flat magnetic resonance at 2 hertz to 150 kilohertz

(Dependent on lucidity of the fat lipids in the buttocks)

Output is measured at 150 decibels at fat to body weight of 10%

2 watts measured at 8 ohms

Battery life (expectancy)

12 volt/ 1.5 amp hour (about an expected 5 hours between charges)

Charge time: About 2 hours

Suggested price with transducer, plug in battery pack, walking butt strap, and concealing pillow $85

Expected limited release 11/ 2015

Kirk Carter

Chew Bear Productions

Soho, New York

Smartphone Blues

Kirk Carter@ Chew Bear Productions@ Copyright 2015

SMARTPHONE BLUES

As you may be staring at your Smartphone as you read this, realize the dozens of people throughout the day who simply want the opportunity to say "Hello", or introduce themselves to you? But no, you have your face dug down deep into someone else's content page.

Your little world of reading other people's content is carefully orchestrated to suck you in!

I know, because I write a lot of stuff under different pseudonyms.

I get 10 cents a click (yea, a whole 10 cents), each time you click a story or episode. There are a number of commercial websites I do this on...this is not a promotional ad, you either find them or not!

One particular site I do get's me an average of 7500 clicks, it all adds up, and yes...I thank you for reading my content...

Wasn't bragging there, but my point is either you produce content or you consume content.

The Smartphone Blues occurs like a symptom of psychosis, where one see's no margin line, you inherently feel no need to better yourself because you've managed to suck your own livelihood into the dilemma of social media...

It's sad really...when you consider that you have no original thought anymore...cause some one else is entertaining you. No wonder teacher's are scratching their heads with so few students showing any enthusiasm, no drive? With all this lost potential, our civilization will soon dissolve itself with even more haves, and a crap load of have-nots.

Let's all keep staring at the magical screen and your almost guaranteed to have nothing!

It's hard to be complacent when your allowing millions of slick content hackers (for the lack of a better phrase, "Media Whores"), who control the agenda with fancy and often times professional level post-productions.

If you think about it, what if your Smartphone died...no coming back...and as you looked over to the next person, their's died, too?

Suddenly, everyone starts to look around, perhaps at each other, starting to feel unusually uncomfortable. Talk about a dilemma, like what the f**k?

An electromagnetic flux has just occurred...

You previous readers know that I'm talking about an electromagnetic pulse, all man made, easily built, and yes...every major country has an arsenal of them ready to launch.

There's also a large move by radical groups to introduce one of these at about 20 miles above the United States...say around Kansas. The sun can also cause something like that, but not quite so concentrated, precise, and absolute in it's effectiveness.

So they manage to set one off, what would you see, feel? 

Probably see a quick pulse of light in the sky, maybe a delayed boom blast, nothing major.

It will feel like a spark, a quick shock, like when you cross an office room with thick carpet and touch the button to get on an elevator...you know that uncomfortable little zap you get when you discharge the body of your built up electrons you've accumulated?

Only difference is, all the lights would go out, the elevator would cease to work, any computer controlling anything (water, sewage, tv, radio, cell towers, gas pumps, automobiles made after 1979), and yes your Smartphone, would be off line for perhaps a year or so...

By the time all the chaos clears from people not being able to access their funds, and assuming you survive all the people going ballistic trying to find food (no trucks remember), then it will be a learning experience one will never forget. This by the way, is not speculative make-believe, it's only a matter of time before it occurs...

Point being...get into the habit of making yourself available for conversation, it's habit forming!

Be open-minded enough that you genuinely accept the fact, that despite your best intentions, your not living in a closed closet or box...we share this planet, get over it!

Try to get into the habit of saying "Good Morning" to total strangers, or just get the first shot off and kill them, somebodies got eat!

In my case, I'll orchestrate the idle chit-chat for a moment or two...depending on the response...well, it will have to be situational, depending on the circumstance, I reserve comment here...do I blast them and take the food, or do we share...like I said, very situational! 

Who know, these long lost social skills actually might come in handy when the Smartphone doesn't?

Kirk Carter

Soho, New York